SNOW.

It did that, a lot.

I've been able to catch up on very satisfying cleaning (yes, my life has hit a low...). I also saw one of my friends for the last time in a long time, if not ever. It went okay. I am definitely much better at letting go than I once was.

I watched Uncertainty the other night. It was this incredibly done movie that centered around a young couple. They flipped a coin whether to spend the day (as well as night and the next morning) in Brooklyn or in Manhattan and the film alternated between the two locations. Brooklyn was spend at a BBQ with her family, Manhattan was an action-filled thing where they found a phone and two Asian gangstas were fighting for the phone and lots of money and guns were involved.

But, more central to the theme was that she was 11-weeks pregnant and couldn't make the decision whether to keep the child or not. The Uncertainty is more about that. It's a theme that seems to be common in film these days, but this was so tactfully done. I mean, it's one thing to have it be a keep it vs. adoption argument... but a keep it vs. abort it argument seems like it would be far more realistic. I don't think it would be more difficult of a decision to make, but I think it's a very different more dichotomous decision.

I also love it when filmmakers use new strategies. This one was unscripted. The backbone and overall theme was obviously very well thought out and planned, but the actual lines were up to the actors. Which made it less "oh what a good line"-y, but made it far more realistic and underwhelming, in a great way.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1086216/

I just got a new computer, so this will finally be much much easier.

I've been downloading a lot of old and new music, thinking about transitions. I feel like I am at a good point in my life. It may last a month, it may last years, I really have no idea. It's honestly very unnerving to have it in your mind that things can always just sink and sink and sink.

I listened to some Minor Threat for the first time, because apparently they were a huge influence on Bane. It's very surreal. I definitely see the influence and it's completely amazing. They started the entire straight edge movement (not smoking, not drinking, no 'fucking', not as a means of "not sinning", but as a means of connecting with other people without barriers/an excuse). I am by no means even remotely straight edge, but I respect the principle behind the movement a lot.

I guess transition-wise, when I was in high school, I had the whole world in front of me. I was patient, I knew the right things would come with time. I had no qualms about spending lots of time with myself & appreciated the good traits that I have, because as I thought that as I would advance in life, more and more people will slowly appreciate them as well. That went on for a bit, but at 23, I am losing patience sometimes. But at other times, there is still that optimism.

It's pretty sad that I only have two days of psych left until June...

I think the best part by far was getting to know the outpatient substance abuse dudes at the VA in group. Just such a great group of motivated individuals & I already miss them. They all love and support each other so much and they were so inviting towards me, and also so so smart & motivated. I also feel like after six weeks of this, I see how much potential every homeless person has underneath everything...

I have a hard time with too much free time. It's really awful, I wish I could just enjoy myself more sometimes. However, I think I have and am coming such a long way and I am almost excited to get older.

I've been listening to a lot of At the Drive In, Of Montreal, & a little bit of The Decemberists Lately. Of Montreal has this ridiculously incredible song called Gallery Piece, lyrics below.

I also went to the plant store (why have I not discovered such a thing sooner?) and bought this amazing plant. I will attach a picture of it some day. It's so incredibly beautiful, in a way that only certain people would appreciate. I just look at it and keep getting more and more blown away, as ridiculous as that is.

I am pretty certain I will continue the screenwriting class. I have about 14 pages of the long piece done and it is totally incredible to create complex multifaceted characters and have them interact with one another and all that. And creating a new city & buildings & clothes in your mind is also surprisingly awesome.

As for movies, I rewatched After School. That shit is sick and brilliant and I LOVE the tree shots in the fall. It doesn't take much sometimes...

I guess if I really cared aka thought anyone other than me would ever read this, I would be a bit more descriptive/pictureful, but, alas.

Of Montreal- Gallery Piece

I want to be your love
I want to make you cry
And sweep you off your feet
I want to hurt your pride
I want to slap your face
I want to paint your nails
I want to make you scream
I want to braid your hair
I want to kiss your friends
I want to make you laugh
I want to dress the same
I want to defend you
I want to squeeze your thighs
I want to kiss your eyelids
And corrupt your dreams
I want to crash your car
I want to scratch your cheeks
I want to make you sick
I want to sell you out
Want to expose your flaws
I want to steal your things
I want to show you off
I want to tell you lies
I want to write you books
I want to turn you on
I want to make you come
200 times a day
I want to dry your tears
Every time you're sad
I want to be your what's happening
I want to be your only friend

I only go all the way
This time I'm not pretending
I can't take the trash
Your trashy friends are spreading about us
They got like V.D. personalities
Oh girl, that's so messed up
You see that sculpture on the hill?
That's where she queered me out forever
They're monitoring my subconscious massacres, I know
Bringing it closer to the surface so it's easily pervertable

I want to be a beast
I want to make you proud
And play with your head
I want to take you out
Make you feel adored
And buy you everything
I want to hurt you bad
Make you paranoid
And say the sweetest things
I want to help you grow
And for eternity
I want to be your what's happening
What's happening

I see car bombs in your eyes
(clap your hands, clap clap)
(can you sing it?)
I hear angels apologize

I just saw "A Serious Man" and it was pretty darn good. I wasn't totally blown away though, but I guess I've seen enough weird shit that it would be hard for something to blow me away. I would still definitely recommend it though, obviously.

I am free! I got done with surg and am now on neurology and then psych is next. I guess I really am going to be a psychiatrist (no shit) because I just went through the options for our 2-week electives and everything other than psych looked like pure punishment. 

I'm taking a screenwriting class now! I loveeeeeeeee writing classes though screenwriting is a bit more structured than I am used to. And this class if FAR away. Like, in the country. With trees and animals! But, I do indeed think in movie-form rather than novel-form, so it really is more fitting. I have to write a 3-minute short and three sentences on the long term project so it'll be hard but I'm excited. I'm not taking it too seriously, but at the same time, I'm not writing off the possibility that it can progress to something, at some point. I want the long one to be this depressing depressing movie. Like the kind you just watch alone or maybe in a theatre (with strangers) that forces you to hit a virtual rock bottom for a moment. I guess that's kind of a dark outlook...

Also, I saw Streetlight Manifesto on monday. It was weird because they sound just like Catch 22, but with different (inferior in my opinion) lyrics. And it annoyed me because I lovedddd and miss being 16 and seeing catch (or better yet, edna's goldfish at the wetlands and irving plaza). And being 23 and seeing streetlight was just a little depressing. On the drive back, my friend from high school played this promo mix tape that we got when we were 14 that introduced us to some of the bands that at least I totally fell in love with and were super formative and all that. This was before napster, I believe. I haven't heard that tape since HS (I lost my copy :/) and I used to listen to it everyday, so that was super super nostalgic. 

Also, the new coffee shop a few blocks away now plays good movies on thursdays for free. And free popcorn. It is nice! I finally saw Thelma & Louise, which was a great great movie. And the owner people are way nice and I hope to go there to read & study a lot when it opens for real in a week. 

Oh boy.

So school has definitely kept me more than busy lately. Ugh. The frustrating part of it is that I really can't learn things well when I'm there for 14 hours a day, always exhausted, always getting yelled at for the dumbest things imaginable (though if I was a surgeon working these hours, I would also be constantly yelling at people for really dumb things probably). I did actually fire back a bit which was exciting since I am very much one to just suck it up and take it. 

Anyways, last week I saw Severe Clear and You, the Living as well as a short comedy mini festival thing. Severe Clear consisted of a Marine from NJ home movies on his experience in Iraq. Parts of it were disgustingly fucked up, like his confession that he really really likes killing people, but I did learn a tiny bit on the mindset and all that. And I was also surprised in the amount of effort they took to not kill Iraqi civilians. After it all he discussed how he doesn't think they should have gone in, but he also stated that he did because he just didn't question it. And if he were to do it again, he would still not question it. How in the world can you not question something that will result in you killing people? I don't know, I actually am not 100% anti-war, but fuck, it's going to be a complete last resort and I would HAVE to know that its a complete last resort and all the details of that if I were gonna go in. I didn't stay for the Q&A because I felt bad that I already financially supported such a movie so I guess I just needed to get out of there. 

You, the Living was this very trippy choppy subtle comedy-ish film. The lighting in it was amazing, throughout the movie it just looked like a combination of 5am and a 1970s basement. Just very foggy, almost. The MoMA will actually be screening a documentary on the making of it so hopefully I'll be around for that. Content-wise it was linear and had a plot and all but it was still essentially a bunch of 10 minute scenes stringed together. And then didn't really end. I am weird, but I much much much rather have a movie not end for some reason. There was some musical-ness going on as well as a lot of the characters talking to the camera and a ton of dream scenes. Totally different. I loved it!

The comedy fest was okay, not as good as it generally is. Nothing really stood out. They have this contest where you put your name in a hat and the winner teams up with a filmmaker and the two of you make a movie where you're the main character. Only about 20 people go for it and I keep not winning :(

This weekend I hung out with people but it was a bit harder because my mind has just been in a haze (& way tired!). I have nothing to talk about. I guess the thing about being in the hospital and just seeing really fucked up things constantly (ie everyone is dying) is that it consumes you a bit and there is just nothing to say in everyday conversation, really. I mean, I struggle with that enough as is but its far worse now. The good news is that I can still communicate with med students pretty well so I guess I'm not totally going crazy. Maybe.

Way weird that no one knows about this and thus no one is reading this... but, it is out there.

I just finished reading Beautiful Boy by David Sheff. It's a memoir about dealing with his sons addiction to meth. Its very well written and the first memoir I've read in awhile. Extremely compelling. His son wrote his account of his addiction although I don't know if I'm ready for that just yet. 

I got done with my psych ER elective and thus it is time for 8 weeks of surgery. I am dreading it by a lot which may not be a great attitude to go into it with. I just hope that I luck out and the residents I work with are nice, because under that situation I tend to work hard and be okay with things. 

On Friday in the ER were a lot of people my age or so. I was talking to this one guy and it came up that he almost wishes that he joined a gang, to fit in. It was just such an honest thing to say and it conveyed a deeper message than that and it's remarkable how in a certain setting, you can have these raw conversations with people that you've known for literally 3 minutes. And, mostly, I guess I've been going through the white-girl version of that lately.