1.5 yrs later.

So, I hesitated writing with residency and all. But, for right now, I am at this point where I want to rebuild things in a way. A new year. The last year and a half was hard, honestly, but also a time of tremendous growth for me, and I do think that a part of me is in this great place in my life. I didn't think my job would be as hard as it is in some ways, but I'm also not doing myself any favors because, frankly, I haven't been great at taking care of myself.

So, the plan is to revisit my routine. Probably move the workouts in the morning. When I get to the gym in the evening, I am generally too stressed to do anything other than elliptical-veg out in front of the TV. That ain't how you build muscles, speed, learn to run, etc.

In the evening, it'll be a class or two. Russian cooking. I love to eat, and I love russian food, and it would be a great place to meet russian-oriented people. Drawing. There are these beautiful paintings that are in front of the neuroscience hospital, and theres a 50/50 chance of me stopping for a moment and just wanting to paint and missing art.

Also, I would love to start writing more. My only outlet at this point are my patient's notes, and, well, I dooooo get compliments on this, but ultimately, it's not exactly the best outlet for creativity. Although, there is something very special about capturing someones inner workings perfectly in written form. Hmm.

I went to a few art galleries/museums in the past month or so. It's the most calming thing, and yet, I'm so hesitant. What if its a disappointment? I rather know that there is something but I'm just not seeing it, rather than there being nothing. But anyways, they all had a few wonderful pieces in it, so theres that.


I've been rather anxious, probably because I am doing just about nothing for myself. Also, its hard beyond hard to be able to talk to people when, really, there is just nothing to talk about.

Work-wise, its special in a lot of ways. I've really been there for some people, you know? But I also am not this all-powerful being who can just fix fix fix everything, so it's not like its magical and glittery all of the time. Take it or leave it, I do really feel for everyone, and at times I can really put myself in it in this way that I know they appreciate. But, still, I think about 75% of the time I feel utterly incompetent and worried about everything. Eh. Better to feel too incompetent than not incompetent enough I guess.

Ok, out. Going to actually interact with the world today, perhaps.

A week

I've been here about 9 days, and in some ways its MUCH better, and in other ways there are definite moments of panic. It's kind of funny because the panic is manifesting more in me worrying about other things like parking, and money, and food. I know none of it is about that at all, but I really couldn't handle actually worrying about the things that worry me.

BUT, the good news is that my time is occupied wayyyyy moreso than it was in NY so therefore I'm mostly too distracted to worry. It's tougher when I'm in the apartment, but reality TV on hulu and ikea assembly have been my friends.

And the better news is that the program and the people are completely blowing me away. So nice, so smart, so forward-thinking. The EMR is unreal. I think they made is so a 4 year old can be a doctor, so maybe there's a chance of me not embarrassing myself too much. Probably not though. UM. Yeah. This is boring.

Hitting the fan...

So I came on here because I was anxious beyond anxious, which is a daily occurrence with this move. Honestly, I am not very optimistic about it... But, now its two hours after I woke up, which is two hours spent doing my ritual of calming myself down, so, all good for now.

The ritual is laying in bed and counting my blessings, email/facebook/google reader for blogs, then reddit.com for interesting things [there are always tons], then four seconds of an article about how to make long distance relationships work [typically one of the two google hits, I've read it 9 million times], then counting my blessings again, then trying to think that these worries will probably be silly long-term (I hope), and then reminding myself that worrying about it isn't actually conductive to anything. Although I guess it's conductive to being able to relate to my future patients, which on a serious note might actually help me (and more importantly, some of them).

I think it'll be a little better once I'm actually there. The worst is anticipation, I think.

Anyways, I remember starting this so that I can do artsy fun things and document it as a way of not going completely crazy in med school. I should probably be true to that and value things like that more. Yesterday I put a huge pile of amazing movies in my netflix cue with the help of newdirectors.org/film-archive and the archives of www.moma.org/explore/films. Yay!

And I saw 101 Reykjavik yesterday, which is the first Icelandic film I saw. Since going to Iceland in April, I'm completely and utterly obsessed with that little country. Maybe there will be more on that later, once I go back and retake a million photos. Anyways, about the movie... It was pretty dark, but hilarious in the "did that just really happen?" sort of way. And it was calm and glided through and yet the plot was still twisty. This is an actual readable review.

I also ate at two amazing places this week, for different reasons. Bal al Yemen  in Bay Ridge Brooklyn and Rouge Tomate on 60th and 5th.
Bab al Yemen is this authentic as hell Yemeni place, which is amazing and cheap and perfect and homey. We had these spicy kidney beans, which were good but a touch too dry for me, and this pan with meat on the bottom of it and then runny eggs and tomatoes on top, which was amazing (or the eggs were, I didn't eat the meat). They also gave us salad with this spicy-ish dressing, lamb broth soup (I actually tasted it! it was good), and huge huge fluffy bread. A hybrid of naan and injera?? 
The servers were the friendliest people ever and engaged us. They showed us their family
dagger and belt, which is olddd (it has a compartment for a scroll and ink)! And Bab al Yemen is the gate into Sana, the capital of Yemen, so they gave us a keychain of it! That and desert and tip came out to $31. Really.

Then, on the opposite end of price is Rouge Tomate. I had a yelp deal, $50 for $100 worth of food. I should have gotten two because even $100 for two people is kind of stingy. The portions are small in the sense of you really can't just order an entree and bounce... it's meant for you to order an appetizer, entree, and maybe desert. We split an app, ordered entrees, split desert, and split a bottle of (amazing) wine and it was a comfortable amount of food. I don't know what to say about this place except that it's the most amazing food ever. It's more or less all organic and sustainable (they even compost on site!) and they combine flavors like no other. Everything is complex but perfect. Yep....

Tonight is the big lets drink a lot because I am leaving party. Should be good!

Lost Pictures & NC movin'

Not only did I wipe the SD card, but I left it on the plane. So, well, there goes that.
In other news, we have Pompei and Rome pictures and I uploaded them and haven't looked at them since. I officially deem photographs as worthless from now on. [Though I did buy a groupon for a photography class in Durham, so a truce will be made one day...].

Also, I am in vacation week a million and one now. I will cry when I have to work again, but it also has gotten to the point that I probably need some sort of routine and schedule, maybe, because 98% of my time is now spent being neurotic. Or, no, I could actually do this forever.

In other news, I pushed the move back. And then I realized that I have many things that need to get done before I start working (due to the DMV not having reasonable hours, etc) that will now be veryyy tight. Oops.

I started packing and apparently there is no way that my stuff is fitting in my car. As I'm putting piles of stuff in the living room, looking in horror as to how much there is, my mom is carrying old old towels and pots and all sorts of crap to add to it and then insisting on how I NEED a 10 year old towel and a dozen wine glasses. I am 900% sure I will never have a dozen friends in that entire state.

Also, is it bad that my painting stuff greatly outnumbers my work clothes and medical stuff combined? I may have to leave it behind :/

On a serious note, I have been freaking out for 900 million hours about this move, and yesterday just like that, out of nowhere, I just sort of made my peace with it. Do I really need another moment of blaming myself for making a decision ultimately because a) I want to do the best for my future patients and thus I ranked based on how much I thought I could learn rather than on location and b) that I didn't change my plans around based on a six-month long relationship? I mean, I wouldn't marry or have kids or move in with someone I knew for so little, so why should I beat myself up for not altering my career for someone I knew for so little?  No brainer, sort of.

And, I officially bored myself, the.end.

Lessons from Europe

I just got back from an Iceland, Amsterdam, Paris, Florence/Tuscany, Naples/Pompei, and Rome stint. Yes, it was cool. And, delicious.

Things I learned:
+ Changing a camera setting to "low format" is the absolute only way to delete 4000 photographs forever and ever. Aside throwing the SD card into a volcano, which also almost happened. Fuck.
+ Iceland is utopia. There, I said it. It was my favorite. So incredible.
+ Dude-friends favorite part was Florence/Tuscany. We took this beautiful 16 mile bike ride, saw Machiavelli's house, drank tons of wine, etc.

Some videos (love you youtube!)
I bike italy: This is a promo video for the bike tour that we did.
Gullfoss : Iceland waterfall. It was my favorite. I stood basically in the middle of it.
How to Make Macarons: We ate them in Paris and I LOVE THESE THINGS and want to make a million so that I can eat them all. Yes.

More later.

FURNITURE

So, now that I have to move to unknown lands, I guess it means that I get to console myself with possessions. Yes.

So, once upon a time I saw Clockwork Orange and I drooled and drooled at that house with all the weird chairs. Then I looked for those chairs. Apparently, they cost more than I have. (Actually everything I am looking at costs more than I have. HA! But, my parents owe me a few years of birthday presents, along with graduation presents from everything I have ever graduated from, so, it goes...).

Anyways, here is the in-parent-budget approved Living Room/Dining area/Bar Stools for the open kitchen counter. (The bedroom will likely be all Ikea Malm in Birch, because my focus is on the living room for the baller purchases).


Living Room: Grey sofa with sleeping capabilities & colorful pillows. I also have a white fuzzy chair from ikea to add to this. And... I guess a white coffee table? And lamps.

CB2 Flex Gravel Sofa

CB2- Leisure Pillow, 23"

 CB2- Leisure Pillow, 23"


Dining Room area (ie still the Living Room). A clear "ghost" table with bright blue chairs. Plus bright yellow and/or orange placemats. Also, I have visions of a white bowl containing only oranges in the center. (I am weird). Or weekly fresh tulips in my fantasy world.

silverado round dining table

echo pool chair


Plus, orange bar stools for the kitchen area (onto the countertops?). Though I might go with something cheaper (though in white) from ikea...

pheonix orange bar stools

The South.

Guess who's moving to Chapel Hill, North Carolina for 3-5 years?

WELL. Yeah.
Maybe I will actually start writing in this little thing as a way of keeping in touch? (Or I can just sit alone and drink in future cheap apartment and email everyone as a way of keeping in touch. HMM).

In other news, I am so out of shape it's not even funny. UGH. On top of the usual, I've been sick and my lungs won't open at alllll.

Also, my preceptor doctors keep telling me I'm a disappointment. In.those.words. But the good news is that I will never have to see them again WHAT NOW JERKS. (Unless they fail me).

I'm actually finally finally finally maybe realizing that my life really isn't as awful as I seem to think it is and even if everything is going seemingly very.wrong, I am going to wake up one day and be 900 years old and stressed as shit if I keep wishing it to go faster. Like, sure this rotation sucks and now is very awkward, but I'll come up with another thing to wish away next week, so really, there is no point.

Instead I will cherish things like how I went to Whole Foods for the first time in 900 years and now have a STOCKED fridge full of amazingness. Including blueberry meringues. <3<3<3.

Also, already found a link to PUPPIES in North Carolina.

AND. Here is what I want. Too bad I have no money at alllll. BUT, soon I will have a teeny bit of money, yessss.